An Open Letter of Apology to the Good Folk of Illinois From a Hoosier
By Jack Burton

This has weighed heavily on my heart for years and now I finally must get it out into the open. As your direct neighbor to the east I must apologize for Indiana's part in helping to dramatically increase the incidents of crime in Illinois.

You see, for many years my state of Indiana has allowed law-abiding residents to carry concealed handguns, and criminals know it is a bad idea to attack a Hoosier.

Nothing says "no" to those intent upon doing harm to a citizen quite like a bullet hole in their chest.

Because of that, Hoosier criminals are quite aware that it is much safer to do their evil deeds in places where people like Chicago Mayor Daly, Gov. Blagojevich, and Sen. Obama prefer residents to be completely helpless.

This encourages our rapists, muggers, mass killers, thugs, white-sheeted bigots, terrorists, gay bashers and anti-Semites to leave Indiana and move to Illinois, one of the few states left where the "defenseless lambs" theory of self-defense still exists. The mass exodus of our criminals helps ensure the continued well-being of Indiana residents -- even those who choose not to carry a handgun.

It might not be of much comfort to you folk who will be victimized by these transplanted predators, but Illinoisians can find solace in knowing that we appreciate your willingness to make yourselves available as easier targets of opportunity.

If it saves just one Hoosier life, it is worth it.